No, I wouldn’t say that I was a runner…

Kate Running

A person that runs; especially in a specified way’… There it is the Google definition of running… If Google says it then that’s the truth surely? Do I run…? Yes, I think I do. Google definition for ‘run’: ‘move at a speed faster than a walk, never having both or all the feet on the ground at the same time.’ Well here comes the issue you see, how much faster than a walk does it need to be before it constitutes ‘running’? On the toughest of days I’d argue that, at times, I’m possibly going slower than I would at a walk, whilst maintaining the upper body motion of what I would constitute to be ‘running’ (with a pained look on my face which screams ‘I’m no good at this, I’m not cut out for this, why am I even bothering?!’). So yes, I ‘run’. But am I a ‘runner’? Hmmm.

What is it about us, the ‘Oh I’m not a ‘runner’’ runners? Why do we do that? Imply that, because we aren’t necessarily out there pounding the streets or trails every day or gracing those well-worn and documented marathon routes annually or more so, we therefore don’t fit into the category of ‘runner’? Is it because we are the self-deprecating type who don’t like to talk about our achievements and feel a sense of embarrassment when we talk about anything we do (which we fear may, if we are not extremely careful, come across as bragging?!). Or maybe it’s because we see people on Facebook or Instagram posting about their most recent successes out there in their trainers and very expensive running wear and accessories and think ‘Oh god, my run was only half that distance this morning, therefore may as well be obsolete’? Does it really matter how far we go? Or is it more about how far we feel is our limit?

There was one thing that I used to feel defined me as a ‘non-runner’, one thing that clearly indicated my limitations and that was… ‘The Hill’… Now this wasn’t a specific hill, no, this was any hill. Nay, any slight incline in gradient. That to me was a ‘hill’ and was a thing to be resented. ‘The Hill’ would be on my mind from the outset, a dark spectre looming as I plodded my way through the early part of the run, edging ever closer as my anticipation of the challenge that awaited me merely served to increase my anxiety and belief that I was not ‘a runner’. If it was possible ‘The Hill’ would be completely omitted from the run route, however this proved to be a little difficult once I realised that we essentially lived at the top of one. This meant that ‘The Hill’ was always awaiting me after I’d given everything I had already and had barely any energy left. But there was no choice. ‘The Hill’ had to be tackled. In the early days ‘The Hill’ involved a lot of complaining (to whoever I was running with should I be lucky enough to have some company, or indeed inwardly to myself if alone). It was a thing to be hated, a thing I found myself angry at for daring to challenge me after everything I had done already! Had I not proved myself enough?! ‘The Hill’ invariably involved pauses (the moment the feet stopped moving the watch had to be stopped of course – I won’t let anything get in the way of accurate mileage on the Garmin – every last ounce of effort had to be recorded with nothing but running steps accounted for). The pause involved heavy breathing, a grimace, sometimes some swearing I’m ashamed to say, and then, when I felt ready to go again, battle would recommence. There would also then be another pause at the top, to regain some decorum and calm the heavy breathing, in order to then be able to complete the final straight home and hear the blissful sound of the watch beeping numerous times – the finish… and the save. But those were the early days. Gradually I found ‘The Hill’ became less of a demon. The pauses were shorter, the breathing less heavy and the fear of ‘The Hill’ slowly but surely receding. And then one day, ‘The Hill’ is completed in one go! A huge achievement! It is not something you fear, it is something you respect! I see your challenge Hill, and I meet you head on! A little further down the line, you find yourself not only respecting ‘The Hill’ but you find yourself planning running routes and incorporating them (yes them, not just ‘The Hill’ but multiple inclines) into the run! Whatever has happened to you? Can it really be that you have become something you recognise as a ‘runner’…? No surely not…

My stock response whenever anyone asks me if I would do a marathon (as I have supported at many, surrounded by these wonderful figures I refer to as ‘real runners’), is; ‘No way! I am just not cut out for that!’. It is only recently that I have finally admitted that yes, I can actually call myself a ‘runner’. Is this because I have banished the ‘slower than a walk’ pace, never to be seen again when I go out for a run? Goodness no. That ‘pretend running’ pace as I like to fondly call it, is still a close friend of mine. Is it perhaps because I have taken up the ‘Advent challenge’ and am therefore running every day until Christmas? (Every day running surely means I fit into the category ‘runner’?). No I’m afraid I’ve failed the advent challenge on day 2. Perhaps it is because I have shed the self-deprecating me and now grace social media with self-assured righteousness sharing with all my ‘friends’ (many of whom can’t even remember how they even know me let alone care how many steps I’ve taken or indeed what elevation I have achieved on my morning’s wholesome pursuit)? No. Have I taken the plunge and entered a marathon? (Because that truly is the badge of honour of a ‘real runner’ is it not?). Goodness no, I still maintain that the 26.2 is not for me…

But my mind-set has changed. 26.2 isn’t for me I stand by that, not because I don’t believe it could do it, because you know what? I am sure that with long term commitment, and self-belief and a shed load of pasta, maybe I could do it and join all those amazing folk who I truly do admire in saying ‘I have run a marathon’. It’s just, I don’t want to. Running that far just isn’t my thing. But running? Yes you know, I’d say that is my thing. You see, over the last 4 months I have realised I am cut out for running. I have banished the idea that ‘if it’s not over 3 miles it doesn’t count’. I have realised that some days, you just don’t want to go out – and that’s ok. I have reached a state of zen when I see someone on social media telling me all about their running stats and how much better they feel about their life because they’ve done it (again…). I am happy for them, why compare? What does it achieve?

I have realised that anyone can be a ‘runner’. Because the ‘specified way’ (I love that part of the definition – what does that even mean?!) can be any way you like. Any pace, any time, any attire, any music (or not), anywhere, any company (the best is the sound of your own two feet sometimes) and any distance. Because it’s not how far you go, it’s just that you do go.  I enjoy ‘going at a pace faster than a walk and I enjoy the feeling afterwards even more, and when I have that feeling it makes me want to go again. We can all be the person ‘that runs’, and that ‘specified way’ can be whatever way we like.  Once we realise that, that’s when we become ‘the runner’ and I believe there’s a ‘runner’ in us all.